Lost

I wonder do you realize...
That I am no longer the little girl who used to follow behind your back all the time, waiting for you to play with me or to fulfill my demands.

I wonder do you notice...
That I am actually a grown up now and in fact I am turning to be 25 soon.

I wonder do you find...
That I have my own thoughts and plans and all I need is nothing more than your support.

I wonder do you understand...
What is actually in my mind, what I would like to do and even what I am saying sometimes.

I even wonder do you know...
That I love you as much as you did and my feelings can be easily affected by your words and comments.

Currently I am lost, your words and comments have turned my feelings down once again. I thought I am strong enough to take that, but in fact I am not. My heart is aching when I replay those words that you have told me earlier.

I am tired of fulfilling your expectations. All I want is to be myself and not another role model that you expect me to be. You did your best to give me a perfect and comfortable life and you said all you want is that I can always live happily. But you didn't realize that you actually overdid it sometimes and that makes part of my worry and pressure come from you!!!

I lose myself and direction almost everytime I listened to what you have said. Not sure what should I do next, or may be I should say not sure what you expect me to do next. Even though sometimes I don't wish to do so, but the fear of looking at your disappointed face will always make me think twice. Most of the time, I will give myself up. I hate myself for being such a coward, for don't have the courage to fight for my will.

It's time that I should stand up for myself. It's my life that I am having now and I want nothing more than freedom. I shouldn't feel lost and this time, I should be able to find my way back soon.

I wonder will you ever feel glad...
That I have stronger will now and that I can stand up to any circumstances that may come across in the future.

Sincerely, I wish you would...
And one day... you will also find out that your recognition is actually very important to me.

痴.心.妄.想

这一刻，我犹豫了。觉得自己像在等待黑夜彩虹。一个不可能的任务、一个奇迹的出现...

一直以来的信念,是固执？还是坚持？也早已分不清。说好听些，是永不放弃；说难听些，那应该是垂死挣扎吧。这到底该怪自己少根筋所以后知后觉，还是自己的天性乐观？

其实早该发觉自己不是什么天之骄子，也不是什么上等料子。说白些，就是个再普通不过的平凡女孩。为何... 还要选一条明知是不容易走的路？可是我还是选了。也许当初旁人早已看清事实，所以加以规劝；可惜当局者迷，毅然选择一意孤行。

上天从一开始就布下了阵行，一路上曲折重重、什么难关、挫折都少不了。想必是要提醒我这路不好走，也许也是为了要考验我的耐力和决心，所以幸运之神也只远远的眺望而不眷顾。那一关又一关的考验，已不止一次证明了自己只是在痴人说梦话，只是自己一直不肯面对而已。

也许是时候认清事实，安分的做回自己，不该再有什么非份之想。

梦，该醒了......