Blessed

The twisted string had finally broke down, without any notice or warning. It all happened in sudden. Leaving me with no choice, but to run away from the current. Driving alone on the way home again, feeling like it is a never ending road, which has no destination to be reached. A voice pop up in my head, leading me along the way to my grandma's house.

I sat beside her, her clear eyes staring at me, as if she knows everything about me, without asking. I listened to her soft voice, asking me repeatedly, Have I eaten? Am I hungry? I felt so much wanted to shed my tears, and tell her how upset I was, when I looked into her eyes. My toughness can shattered easily in front of her. As I know I will always be a crying baby for her, and always needed her to console me even though I am a grown up now. I would say her presence, itself is the best consolation to me.

She talked to me softly, although she has been repeating the same thing over and over again for most of the time, but still I feel warm listening to her. She placed her hand on my lap, while falling asleepy slowly. I stared at her sleeping face, so calm and quiet, as if she has nothing to worry about.

Later, you came into the room, telling me stories about your past experiences, while asking me to stay strong no matter what comes ahead along the life journey. "Becasue there is nothing to be afraid of", you said.

I am happy that I have her, who has always tried her best to guide us with her advcices and to make us feel better.

Then you came and shared ideas with me on the lastest smart phone and tablet. Told me about the smart phone that you wanted to have, and asking me for suggestions. That noon, I received your call after I reached home. You wanted to know whether I am interested in going for an oversea trip. "You should take a walk at some other places, and to have new experiences, because you are a grown up now", you said. You told me to ask from you, when I have made up my mind.

I am glad to have him, who has always tried his best to grant me my wishes, even when I didn't ask for it.

Tears shed uncontrollably, as I hung up the phone. I am touched with the meaning behind the words that you all have tried so hard to deliver, wanted me to know that happiness is the greatest treasure of life. I had never thought that, my sour face would be that obvious to you, as I don't used to reveal myself in front of you all. My silly con might had me well covered in front of others and even to myself, but obviously not to you, as you could always spot my sadness easily in just a sight.

 

And I am most glad to still have her by my side, when I am upset and disappoint.

I know I am always the blessed one, when I have you all.

Hidden Feelings

New semester had started officially 3 weeks ago, coming week will be the 4th. Everything seems to have going on smoothly as it was planned, truly I am glad for that. Recently I had these mixed feelings, not sure how and what should I describe them as. The only thing that matters is that I don't feel comfortable with it.

I am always bad in terms of describing my own feelings, didn't know how to define them, nor to categorize them into the range of feelings. Worry? Angry? Tension? Jealousy? Upset? Envy? Lost? Whatever it is or might be, it just sound the same to me; although I know each of them is unique and have different affection on our feelings. I don't seem to be able to differentiate them as an individual one, as I used to feel the same whichever one of them strikes on me.

One thing that I am sure is that these are bad feelings, which will cause my mood to swing for at least a day. My emotional management is not as good as I thought, even though I have tried so hard to control. My mood still can be affected easily by the people around me, especially someone closed. It made me a emotional person, when I am with the closest one. The feelings become uncontrollable as I got closer to them. Somehow in a way, it scares me. I couldn't imagine what can I do, if I were to lost them one day.

The only best way that sound is for me to keep a fair distance. I will not confess to it, even though that means I will have to lie to myself. And even though it might also means you will never know, that I actually do care...

I don't know why I wanted to do so, but somehow it made me feel better. May be that's who I really am, never know how to deal with the feelings and can easily get myself lost in it, also ended up hurting those around me. It seems to be the only thing that I can do now, except to run away from it. 

The Moment

It's a minute away from 11 at night, and its raining out there. The weather is so comfortably cooling and I bet I will have another good-night-sleep later.

I don't feel like doing anything at this moment, except to enjoy the dizzling sound of the rain while writing down my feeling in this post. I turned down a few invitations recently, thinking of may be I am just not ready to face all these yet.

At this moment, I would just want to enjoy my peace and quiet life. I am surprised with my own thought, this just doesn't sound like me anyway. But, this time I do and just feel a bit tired to face the crowd.

May be I will need some time before I settle myself and to finally get ready. Time will always do its trick, I know. Just let me enjoy this quiet moment for a little longer, I am sure I will be fine and back as normal then. ;)

xoxo

心距

今天，您崩溃了。我心目中，那可以撑过所有困难，解决所有难题的巨人，终于倒下了。为什么？

您不发一语，只愿躲在自己的世界里流泪，像一只困在山洞里，受伤的兽。为何这画面，如此熟悉？

后来，我明白了。那是因为，像极了从前的我。想到这，心好痛。

心酸，您的承受；心痛，您的沉默；更心疼，您的刻意疏远。为什么？

一句又一句，为什么，从我口中问出。

虽能力有限，但仍想关心；虽帮不上忙，但仍想知道。

您的伤心，让我联想起我的不足。我让您费心了、难过了、受委屈了，是吗？是这样吗？

您的沉默，让我怀念起以前，那无所不谈、畅所欲言的时候。我们之间的距离，看似很近，但其实很远。

因为，最遥远的距离，是心的距离。

我们都不再享受分享和谈话，取而代之的，是不满和猜疑。为什么？又从何时起？

其实，我好想让您知道，我不止想去了解和明白您的感受；同样的，我也想您关心我。

因为，互相了解和体谅是双方的。

您曾经是那么的开朗坚强，伤心哭泣不适合您。但为什么？难道开心真的那么难？

我们只希望看您开心的过日子，顺其自然，不该烦的就让它去吧，别什么事都往背上扛。

而我，只期望着您打开心，放下身段，和身边的人多聊聊，别让心距把你隔离。

送上一首潘玮柏和苏芮的“我想更懂你”。

                          

蓝蓝

蓝蓝的天

慵懒的我

蓝蓝的心情

想太多的我

蓝蓝的心

飘向何方

蓝蓝的歌曲

唱诉心中情

蓝蓝的眼

无从看透

蓝蓝的日子

从容的度过