The Journey

I went to Sg on last Thurs, AGAIN. This was my 3rd time travelling to Sg. And each and every time, it left me with lots of memorable moments. 

This was the 2nd time that I travel alone to the destination. The feeling was so different from the 1st. This time was more on excited and happy, if were to compared with the 1st. As I had a pleasant trip on my way to Sg. Chit-chat with the old lady next to me, reading book while listening my favourite songs and to rest my eyes whenever I feel tired, some photo-snapping session along the journey...... There's just too many things that I could do while I am travelling alone. And truly to say, I did enjoyed it quite a lot. ;)

I used to have this kind of feeling, since I started to realize the disadvantage of being the only child in the family. That is I will have to be alone, as I don't have any siblings to share anything with. And sadly, the any thing doesn't mean only toys or parents' love and attention, it also mean the problems and hard times.

I trained myself to be as independent as I could be, and not to busy look for anyone around tensionly when I have problems, but to try to solve it on my own. I asked myself to be strong, no matter how. Because someday, I will still have to face it alone. Though there's always people around me, either best friends or families, telling me that they will never let this happen. But still I would prefer to get used of it and even to learn to enjoy it. Just in case, I would need it someday.

This kind of feeling grow stronger, especially when I am alone. I know that this will always be a part of my life journey. I will have to do nothing, except to learn to enjoy from it and to let things flow. ;)

Tell Me WHY

Counting down the last few hours before the 1st day of CNY, and I choose to blog, although its time that I should get some rest after the long day.

It was really a long day though, went out early in the morning and only manage to settle everything and got home in the evening. Then have to carry on with the unfinished house chores 'till night. It's almost 1am, by the time I sat down in front my lappie and decided to write down this post.

My body is tired, but somehow my mind is clear and active. Most importantly, you are the reason that I feel like writing down this post.

I am disappoited and upset. I am angry and envy. I am happy and suprised. And all that happen because of YOU. Why have I not immuned from you? Why you can always affect my feelings so easily? Why can't I have you by my side when I need you to be?

I didn't intended to throw all these questions to you, as I know you couldn't answer any of them as well. So just forget about it, to both of us. 

And there's a long journey ahead...

The Winner

Again, you won.

I can see the relief and happiness on your face, as it was so obvious. You are always that confident, with words you delivered and actions taken. No restraint, no hesitation, and no regret. You strived almost every match that you involved.

It's too many, 'till I couldn't remember how many times you've won. The only thing that matters, is that you are so happy with it, even after so many times of winning.

You said you will never lose, because you have the principles and valid reasons that support behind you. But is that so? Of course. Again confidently, you said. You don't seem to get tired in joining matches, and ended up winning again. In return, you seem to enjoy from it a lot. After so many years, you are still the same old you.

While I am still the same old me, but just that I get tired easily nowadays, compared to the old times. I think may be I am just getting lazy in starting a fight anymore.

Borderline

You said everything you did, is because you love me a lot, that you are afraid to lose me. You said there is reason for every decision you've made on my behalf. You said I can't understand your thoughtfulness and meaning which lie behind your actions, because I am not as wise as you. You said it's your responsibility to take care of me as I am not capable to do so. You said I am not a considerate and grateful girl, because I didn't realize how lucky I was.

But do you know that...... For all these years...

I've tried my best in understanding your decision. I've tried not to disobey you, and just followed your arrangment. I've tried not to let you down and to meet your demand. I've tried to deliever my best to you. Seriously, I've tried... in everyway that I could.

Yet it's never been enough for you, that I am just trying, but not doing my best...

Do you realize that I am a grown up with my own minds and thoughts, but not your puppet who just following orders? Do you know that I am longing for your appreciation and recognition so badly for the effort I've made to be the best? Do you realize that I am getting unhappy by days? Do you find that I am actually getting very annoyed and impatient with all your so-called lectures and reasons? Do you aware that I wanted to run away from this place and you so desperately?

No.. I know you won't. It's only you and yourself and the others' point of view that you are concerning, it will never be me no matter how. Because you used to think that everything you did, is for my own good. I will just need to follow without asking. You said someday, I would understand what you have did for me. And by the time, I would be grateful that you have did so.

But.. I don't think I could wait 'till that time to come. Because I find myself so hard in breathing, when I am with you. You used to give harsh comments and your so-called wise advices when I am actually looking forward for your praise and console. You used to think that I could do better, though each time I thought I've already did my best. You asked me not to demand more from you, as you've given your best to me. You asked me not to push you to your limit, because you won't bear that from me. 

But without your notice, you are doing everything you asked me not to do on you. How ironic!! It's because you are the ruler of this place. You are the owner of everything, and I know that includes me. I used to remind myself not to let you down, because you are the one I respect. I used to ask myself not to disobey you, because you are the only one who love me with all your heart and soul. I used to force myself to be the one who can make you proud and happy, because I know that's what you would want the most from me.

Yet, I think it's time for me to let you know, about my limit and borderline. Please don't push me further, becasue I don't think I can bear it any longer. Seriously, I don't know how much more I could take. Please learn to listen and don't be self-centered. Becasue I can take no more from you. Please don't make me dislike you or hate you, before it's too late. Please don't push me away, when I am making the effort to stay.

You thought I couldn't lose and that I can only take what you've given to me. But someday, you will find that, I am actually capable in doing so, if I am force to...

Too Little Too Late

Sorry, its just too little too late for you to tell me that now. What's said is said, if only it's that easy to forget. For your information, I've bear your words in mind by the time you told me. I still remember the shock and surprise that your words brought me.

I am upset and disappointed for what you've actually said. Couldn't imagine that you would tell me something like this, as I didn't expect that from you. Especially, during that moment and that place. But, its fine. I wouldn't be defeated so easily, and so I will move on with your words and to settle things in my own way.

Afterall, days will still go on; either happy or not, its on our choice to decide. :)

A Round Up for 2011

Last year wasn't a happy year for me though, there were too much tears shed, too many conflicts and arguments, and also too many unhappy things happened around me. It's just too many "too much..." for me to bear, and its already surpassed the limit that I could bear.

I had few major emotional break down during the year, and got people around me worried. I could feel that my emotion management has got worst, since I couldn't well control and manage my emotion. I also had bad relationship with family and friends, especially mum. Had conflicts and arguments with her a bit too often this year, and got ourself shut out from each other in the end, didn't know how to approach and share again. It got me upset for a long time for each and every time we had an argument. I used to blame myself for letting her down always, but even so, I couldn't help myself but to argue for my rights.

I feel helpless when I found that I still didn't reach for her confidence and expectations, after I tried so hard to. I am sick of following orders and advices, and just want to live a life on my own, so badly. I am tired of listening to lectures, and only wanted to do things on my own. I had so much to do, and yet I felt there is so little time left. But still I faced all kind of problems and obstacles in front of me, whenever I want to put my words into action. Seriously, I am exhausted, from body to soul. Wonder what would be the next and what should I do to get through it?

I tried to find myself some belongingness when I am alone, but sadly I can't find. I thought I would have someone who at least be at my side, when I am feeling down. But somehow I didn't feel the way that I think I should be, when I finally found one. As I have expected, things will never be easy for me.

My dream is the only thing that I can be grateful for the year. And it is also the only thing that I could gain my control on. I fought hard for it and it had shown some improvement and progression at last. One step further and I will be free from it, its the only wish that I had made for the new year. :)

Though days were mostly hard during the year, but there were blossom days as well. It's when I had great times with family, friends and classmates. Had my very own exciting trips to different places. Had a taste of nice foods and visited new restaurants. Spent time doing my favourites. Lots and lots to be treasured and it will always stay memorable to me. :)

2011 had passed along the bitter sweet of life. Overall, its an happening year for me. Too much feelings left for me, either good or bad. I would treasure each of them, have the lessons learn and move on. I would say I go through the year with no regrets, as there were so much to learn and as well to be remembered.

Somehow I still believe that, life is filled with hopes and dreams, when tomorrow always awaits. ;)

The Festive Season

December had passed, and so did the festive season. This year's Christmas and New Year fell on few days before my assignment due date. Left me with no choice but to sacrifice all the celebration on eves, and to stay at home and rush for assignments.

I actually had thousand thoughts running in my head before the festive season has yet to come, trying to find a best way to celebrate the festive season and to spend it well with all my loved ones. But obviously "think" is always easier than action, 'cause due to many other reasons and also the assignments' due, I ended up had a simple yet warmth moments spent with some of my loved ones during the week.


The Christmas Eve

Had a nice day with best friend in the shopping mall, with our favourite jap food as main course, yogurt as dessert and also the "not-to-be-miss" chit-chatting session as our favourite activities. Although we missed the movie time together, but we amended it with the deal to catch up for movies again later. The meeting ended shortly after we had a walk in the shopping mall.

Later in the evening, I fetched mum for Christmas dinner, at our usual makan place. Had a walk in the pasar malam before we head home that night. Dad had to stay back in the office, and so I spent the night together with mum during the last few hours for eve. We watched tv while had some chat along. I couldn't remember when was the last time we had conversation and tv together. It seems to be so familiar but yet so far. However, I am glad that we could spent this special night together as family.

It's nothing better than to have spent a warmth and peaceful night with family on the eve. :)



Christmas!! Santa Claus is coming to town....

It's another day with best friend at Red Box. Having sing k session on Christmas' morning was something new to me, but it's not bad though. Singing is always the best way to spread happiness, I truly agree with that. :D We had Gong Cha and snacks for tea time, while updating each other. Later we had window shopping before went to Flying Chillies for dinner.

Another simple day spent on gathering with best friend, just to have each other updated, and also to have meal together on this joyful day. We called it off after dinner and I went home for tv with parents, a perfect end for the day.

And so Christmas had passed in the way that I never thought that it could be, but still I am grateful for it. ;)



New Year's Eve

It was the last day of 2011, spent half a day at home trying to get one of my assignment done. And finally I made it before 6pm in the evening. Had promised Cousin Jen for a basketball game earlier so I went for the game after I got everything prepared. It's a nice game we had, sweaty but fun.

Basketball game on the last day of 2011 :)

Few hours before the new year

At night, I attended the barbeque party that held at Uncle Chris's backyard. Literally or not, I could felt the warmth. ;p Well, it's a nice ending for the night. Had my stomach stuffed with hotdogs and barbeque stingray, soft drinks and the french fries and some fried mee hoon as appetizer. :p I realized that either the taste or price of the food is making a difference to a nice meal, its with whom that you share with that matters. :)

Went home that night at 1am, and it's already the 1st day of new year. Dad came back slightly later than me, and I am glad that I am the first to wish my beloved parents "Happy New Year" before we went to bed.


A festive season that filled with lots of love, care and warmth, that is what I am always longing for, even it was delivered by an unexpected way. Special thanks to my family and the special one for had accompanied me along the way.

With lots of hope, I welcome the year 2012. Surprisingly, I didn't made any resolution for the new year. But I have declared that this would be a year that I am going to live fully for myself, when I told myself that I will find my own way to live happily no matter how.

The only wish that I've made for myself in the new year, is that I would want to complete what I should have completed many years ago, without any doubt. And I will do my best to have it come true. :)